Euphoria Before The Crash

I remember it was a Thursday and a Friday. It was 48 hours; maybe a bit more I felt I was on a plateau. I was not depressed, I was not manic, and I was like you. Maybe I was manic, but bearing some semblance of control. It occurred to me that taking acting classes and changing careers would be a great idea, as I was sure to be quite successful. Perhaps a career in stand-up comedy (I'm serious). My current career was going great and filled with a great future. OK I realize now I was manic, but it felt great, I was in control, and there was no hurt. I should have known better. I was headed for a crash, and it seems to me the better you feel, the more positive, bright and colorful the world seems the steeper the slide.

Real Bipolars?

I was perusing several blogs and websites and came across the following at http://badpsych.com/.

I found the replies fascinating, and definitely there seems to be a sentiment that all MI is nonsense and only serves to profit people in the psychiatric field and drug companies. They think it offers excuses for parents and individuals to shirk their responsibilities to their children or themselves.

I was going to reply with what I feel is rational reply but I wasn't in the mood to get lambasted. I do understand why they think the way they do, but as in many discussions they do not know the full facts of the issue. I recognize the concerns that others have. In fact I think that people are often over-diagnosed, over-medicated and overly conformist. However there are two sides to every story.

I call myself bipolar. I have agonized over this diagnosis for years now, and went through stages of denial and disbelief and continue to move among these stages. Some of these feelings were discussed in a recent excellent post on a forum comparing the diagnosis of BPD to the KR stages of grief http://www.moodgarden.org/. I am often aware that I am different than other people in my thoughts and my perception of reality and therefore have been labeled with this diagnosis. Maybe it is not a problem with me but with others?

Then I think of some of the contradictory messages I get in my own life:

1. A coworker who thinks BPD is all bullshit will ask me after a bizarre outburst at work if I went off my medications. If it isn’t real then I shouldn’t need meds?
2. If I say that I am having difficulty working because of BPD there would be enormous resistance to calling this a disability by many. However if I apply for life insurance I will likely get denied because of the diagnosis.
3. A friend says that there is nothing wrong, that I just get a little depressed. However I am not invited to any parties, because I may discuss how I often view the world as a time-space fabric that can be molded to my needs, and how this may imply to the less enlightened that I am god (I’ve gotten in trouble with this one).

It appears people will judge, deny, criticize, support or believe you depending on their needs and ideas at the time. Maybe it is their fears too? I don’t know. Gonna stop now before I write 100 pages (and further prove the diagnosis :) ).