Euphoria Before The Crash

I remember it was a Thursday and a Friday. It was 48 hours; maybe a bit more I felt I was on a plateau. I was not depressed, I was not manic, and I was like you. Maybe I was manic, but bearing some semblance of control. It occurred to me that taking acting classes and changing careers would be a great idea, as I was sure to be quite successful. Perhaps a career in stand-up comedy (I'm serious). My current career was going great and filled with a great future. OK I realize now I was manic, but it felt great, I was in control, and there was no hurt. I should have known better. I was headed for a crash, and it seems to me the better you feel, the more positive, bright and colorful the world seems the steeper the slide.

Real Bipolars?

I was perusing several blogs and websites and came across the following at http://badpsych.com/.

I found the replies fascinating, and definitely there seems to be a sentiment that all MI is nonsense and only serves to profit people in the psychiatric field and drug companies. They think it offers excuses for parents and individuals to shirk their responsibilities to their children or themselves.

I was going to reply with what I feel is rational reply but I wasn't in the mood to get lambasted. I do understand why they think the way they do, but as in many discussions they do not know the full facts of the issue. I recognize the concerns that others have. In fact I think that people are often over-diagnosed, over-medicated and overly conformist. However there are two sides to every story.

I call myself bipolar. I have agonized over this diagnosis for years now, and went through stages of denial and disbelief and continue to move among these stages. Some of these feelings were discussed in a recent excellent post on a forum comparing the diagnosis of BPD to the KR stages of grief http://www.moodgarden.org/. I am often aware that I am different than other people in my thoughts and my perception of reality and therefore have been labeled with this diagnosis. Maybe it is not a problem with me but with others?

Then I think of some of the contradictory messages I get in my own life:

1. A coworker who thinks BPD is all bullshit will ask me after a bizarre outburst at work if I went off my medications. If it isn’t real then I shouldn’t need meds?
2. If I say that I am having difficulty working because of BPD there would be enormous resistance to calling this a disability by many. However if I apply for life insurance I will likely get denied because of the diagnosis.
3. A friend says that there is nothing wrong, that I just get a little depressed. However I am not invited to any parties, because I may discuss how I often view the world as a time-space fabric that can be molded to my needs, and how this may imply to the less enlightened that I am god (I’ve gotten in trouble with this one).

It appears people will judge, deny, criticize, support or believe you depending on their needs and ideas at the time. Maybe it is their fears too? I don’t know. Gonna stop now before I write 100 pages (and further prove the diagnosis :) ).

Famous BP People

Why is it that I see so much written about BPD and celebrity? Is it that we seek acceptance and validation of our illness through these people, a number of whom may not be truly BP? The majority of us are not celebrated, after all isn’t that what a celebrity is. The majority of us are not clearly understood even to ourselves, we are feared, our illness is denied, and we struggle financially. If you search the net or you tube you will find BPD/celebrity will often outnumber BPD/suicide by 3:1, which is a much more disconcerting and common aspect of the illness.

On the other hand I admire anyone, amongst the beautiful people or not, who will come forward and expose their disorder. I cannot. I’m not beautiful. Perhaps wider education and possible understanding will help. I can hope.

Epiphany

Epiphany

Birth. Always thought that things were different for me, perceptions and thoughts were not the same as others. Eccentric and introverted were the labels applied, i knew no different, never knew how i was supposed to be. i revel in my my moods, i live in color when the rest of the world feigns life in gray.

Thoughts. At times they race. I am alive, i can handle a few projects, i can handle 1000. Don't get in my way, no help or advice needed. Sleep, not necessary.

Darkness. i can't always seem to bend the world to my will. i feel frustrated, sometimes helpless. this is a good time to start smoking, drinking. i need to keep myself occupied at all times, and to alter my perception.

Obsession. i am obsessed with death. Seems this is a long time away for a young person. i am obsessed with suicide. my health is irrelevant. i smoke more. i drink more.

Acceleration. Racing thoughts, racing activities. i spend a lot of money. i cannot keep up with with projects. Failure is not well tolerated. i am angry more often. i am violent more often to myself and others.

Awareness. i have always sensed that something was not right. i was different. It was fine by me for the longest time. It is me. It is who i am. Things turn for the worse more often now. i have seen many psychiatrists. No clear diagnoses. Clearly have issues, whatever that means.

Epiphany. A therapist recognizes something. Psychiatrist referral. Diagnosis bipolar. Medication, on and off. my world changes. Ignorance has not always been blissful.

Loss. What if i had been diagnoses so much earlier in my life. Would it had made a difference. Would things have hurt less? i have lived a life that could have been different.

Anger. Why was this not recognized? Why had so many psychiatrists and therapists not seen it?

Future. i don't see much of one. Things getting worse, more disconnect from the rest of the world. Change medications, change does, try to change myself. Nothing works.